The Lessons You Learn When It's Too Late

It’s so strange how death has a way of putting everything into perspective. One minute, life is just happening…you’re stressing about things, it’s fast-paced, not enough time in the day, work takes over, someone didn’t reply to your text, you’re still deciding what to eat for dinner and so much more. And then, suddenly, someone is gone, and none of those things matter anymore.

When someone dies, it shakes you. It reminds you that nothing is promised, and that time moves way too fast. We spend so much of our time focused on things that, realistically, mean absolutely nothing. You start questioning everything - how you spend your time, who you spend it with, whether you’ve said enough or not done enough.

We assume we have so much time, but do we really? We push things to later…the call we should make, the visit we should plan, the words we should say to our loved ones, but later isn’t guaranteed, and for a long time I’ve been living my life with this at the back of my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live by it religiously. There are plenty of moments where I ‘should’ have had this at the forefront of my mind but I pushed it to the back. Again, all down to thinking we have time to do it ‘later’.

It also makes you see people differently. You start appreciating the ones who are still here a little more. And then there’s the other side of it - the regrets, the “I wish I had” moments that creep in when it’s too late to fix them. That’s the part that is most difficult, knowing you can’t go back.

Grief is weird because it never fully leaves you, and the level of grief is different for each person. It all depends on what relation the person was to you and how deeply embedded they were in your life. My first memory of losing someone close to me was my grandparents (who had always lived with us), and even though I was too young to understand it clearly, I knew it left a hole in my life. Grief also softens over time, but it will still be there in the things that remind you of them. For example, I remember how much my grandmother loved gardening, so when I’m on my morning walks I always appreciate the flowers and remember how she loved how pretty certain flowers were. She made me appreciate certain things differently.

The crazy thing is that life takes over again, and you get pulled back into the folds of work, daily stress and so much more. Every so often when you take a breath and pause, you remember how deeply you miss the person. As I mentioned earlier, everyone deals with grief differently and a big part of how you deal with it is down to how often you saw the person, how much they were part of your life and so much more. That’s not saying that you have less grief - but more so that you will have a better understanding of ‘how’ to deal with it.

For example, if the person who lives with you dies, I’m pretty sure that figuring out ‘how’ to deal with it goes out the window. I personally have a habit of throwing myself into my work. Someone else may not even be able to get back into work. Dealing with grief is messy, because theres no right way to do it. The truth is, grief doesn’t have a timeline - it’s not something you just ‘get over.’ But you do learn to live with it.

My last grandparent passed away last week. It honestly feels like the end of an era. There’s something so final about realizing you have no more grandparents left…like a whole chapter of your life has quietly closed. It’s strange because, no matter how old you get, having grandparents around makes you feel connected to the past in a way that nothing or no-one can ever do. He taught me resilience and toughness. He lived until 90 with all his memories intact, which is such a blessing and I’m incredibly grateful for it too. He remembered everything…stories, names, and so much more. I guess now, it’s up to us to keep those stories alive.

I read a quote the other day and it talked about how the hardest part is accepting that the pain is just love that has nowhere to go. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s how we carry them with us.

I think what really hit me with this particular loss (mainly because I’m older and wiser than previous losses), was seeing so many family members turn up at my Grandads home after he passed away…myself included. What made me feel sad was that everyone gets together when the person is gone. They don’t get to experience having everyone together.

Life still has a way of getting the better of us, though. We still get caught up in day-to-day work, plans, deadlines, etc. We tell ourselves we’ll call that friend later, or take that break when things ‘settle down.’ But things never really settle, do they? Life will move forward whether you’re ready or not.

Maybe, once in a while, we need to push aside that thought and just do something - make the call, send the message or just generally show up - because in the end, it will be that little gesture or effort that will actually matter later on.

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