How to Create Boundaries...when you don't even know where to start

The hand book you never knew you needed

I know the term boundaries gets thrown around a lot. You’ve probably heard it being thrown around by me too. But do you actually know how to create boundaries? It wasn’t an overnight change for me. It happened over years, which is kind of annoying because I probably could have done with implementing it sooner. I just didn’t have the confidence, I didn’t really know how, and I had this constant narrative in my head telling me to be accommodating, don’t upset people, don’t make things awkward. Basically everything we’re taught growing up. It works for a while, but then you get older, people change, and suddenly that way of being doesn’t feel as good as it used to.

The problem is, you’ve been like this for so long that changing it feels strange. It doesn’t feel natural to suddenly say no or do things differently. And a lot of the time, you don’t even know what your boundaries should be. You just know something feels off. You feel overwhelmed, or someone says something and it stays with you longer than it should, or you notice you’re on edge around certain people. There are so many different ways it can show up, but I think it comes down to paying attention to those moments. That’s usually where you start to understand what actually works for you and what doesn’t.

Once you start noticing those patterns, things become a bit clearer. You begin to see where you’re giving too much, where you’re saying yes out of habit, and where you’re doing things that don’t really feel right. That awareness is the first step, because without it, you just keep repeating the same patterns without questioning them.

From there, it’s about making small changes rather than trying to completely change how you are overnight. It might be something as simple as not immediately agreeing to plans, or giving yourself time to think before you respond. It might be saying no to something you would usually say yes to, even if it feels uncomfortable. It might be not over-explaining yourself every time you decide not to do something.

That over-explaining is something a lot of us do without even realizing it. You feel like you need to justify your decision so the other person understands, but in reality, you don’t need to go into detail. You can just say it doesn’t work for you. It feels uncomfortable at first because it’s different, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

You’ll probably also notice that people react differently when you start doing this. Not necessarily in a bad way, but they might question it or seem surprised. That’s usually because they’re used to a version of you that always said yes. It doesn’t mean you’re being difficult, it just means things are shifting.

The important part is not to go back to your old habits just to make things feel easier again. It can be tempting to do that, especially if you don’t like the feeling of things being slightly uncomfortable. But if you keep doing that, nothing actually changes, and you end up back where you started.

Over time, it starts to feel more normal. You feel less stretched, less overwhelmed, and a bit more in control of your own time and energy. You also start to notice who respects your boundaries and who doesn’t, which can be quite eye-opening.

It’s not about becoming a completely different person. It’s just about being a bit more honest with yourself and acting on it. And once you start doing that, even in small ways, everything else tends to follow.

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